Change

Another big secret here... I am not a fan of change.  Which is unfortunate since our lives have been filled with nothing but change for the last few years with nothing but changes to come in the future...I mentioned in my last post that I have been a stay at home mom now for over a year now.  That was a shocking change but it turned out to be a great so with any luck our newest adventures will turn out to be the same, an unexpected positive experience.

You see, we are getting ready to take a big leap and leave our house behind us.  Economically we can't remain here any longer-that has been made very clear to us.  This is going to mean down sizing to an apartment.  Giving up that sense of privacy that comes with owning a house.  This also means giving up some physical 'things'  For one, our dog.  Thankfully he will be handed over to family member and I have no doubt he will be in good hands.  For another... our Television.     It is old and very large and it would take up way to much space plus I am not convinced it would survive a move!  What you have to understand when I say this is that we will not be able to readily replace it.  This means we will be watching our shows on the computer for a while.  I am not sure how this will go over... but I am certain we will find out.  It also means that my children are no longer going to have that free reign of the yard they are so used to.  They will no longer be able to go outside alone when ever they want.  They will have to wait for me to be able to accompany them.  I am going to have to make a huge effort to make sure that are able to get outside every day.  I am not sure I am ready for this responsibility.  I have not had to accompany them outdoors in a long time.  They either went outside at daycare/school or, by the time I lost my job and had the girl home all day,  they were both old enough to go outside on their own.  Our weekends have always been filled with more than a good bit of outdoor time doing random fun things.  But making sure they get some fresh air has never had to a big focus of my weekdays.  That is about to change.

However with all of these seemingly horrible or sad changes there will also be some good ones.  The one that comes to mind first is that I will not only have a working dishwasher but also a garbage disposal!  I know, it's silly but I am so excited about both of these things.  I have been hand washing dishes since our dishwasher broke six months ago.  I don't know how many of you lack a dishwasher, you may be used to it, but I am not.  I have found a routine that seems to work but I find that there is always some amount of dirty dishes in the sink.  I mean, nothing crazy or anything but it is just seems to never be empty- or not empty for very long.  Which is a bit obnoxious.  We also will be gaining a pool.  The kids are pretty excited about this part.  I can honestly say that is will be nice to have that free option in the summer.  Lastly it will mean someone else gets to deal with all of the broken things.  This will be a wonderful change of pace for us.  We purchased an older home about four years ago and we have had one thing or another break all the time since we moved it.  I honestly believe the inspector was working for the Realtor because he said everything looked great- only minor problems.  Yeah, we have had so many problems... and not all of them are minor I assure you.  In fact many of them we have not had the money to fix!  So no longer being responsible for the repairs will be great on so many levels.

I find myself contemplating these changes at almost every quiet moment I have, which since the girl is now in school half the day, is a lot of time to be contemplating things I have very little control over.  That may be what bothers me most.  The lack of control.  I like to have a plan.  I like things to be in order, I want a list, I want things to flow and I want things to go smoothly.  Loose ends bother me and unknown things bother me even more.  I am told I am an excessive planner by my husband but in my mind, someone has to do it.  These things do not plan themselves... things may fall into place but not without some amount of effort.  Maybe I am wrong but that is just how it is going to be.  I am going to do the numbers over and over again every month just to make sure it is still going to work because I need to.  I need to feel confident that I have it all in order and everything is going to be able to go smoothly.  It is just how I am programmed I suppose.  I don't guess that will ever change.